Pandemic Babies: The Lonely Side

My baby was a beautiful surprise. I love her deeply. I cannot imagine my life without her.

My partner and I had just sent his daughter to college, and his son was already out of the house. We were like,“What are we going to do with all our free time?”. Our baby answered that question loud and clear! As we adjusted to the idea that we were expecting a baby, we were excited! However, we had no idea we were about to have a baby during a pandemic.

Lucy was born on March 17th in 2020. That day, they shut down pretty much everything where we live in Portland, Maine. The week prior, I remember getting a little nervous about the spread of COVID-19. I decided to stop working a few days before I started on maternity leave. We still didn’t fully understand what was happening, but the midwife told us that only my partner could come to the hospital for the birth. No other family or friends. I don’t think I made the connection that our family and friends wouldn’t be able to come to visit us at all, even after we brought our sweet girl home. My eyes are filling up with tears as I write this. This is because most of our friends and family were not and are still not part of her life because of the pandemic. It changed things in ways that no one could predict. I am not blaming anyone, and I do hold responsibility for some of that loss.

First, you have to know the day my baby was born, so was I! Lucy, my light, has changed me. I am a better person and have grown in ways that I did not know were possible. But that is a whole different story. That is a story of light and love. Unfortunately, this part of my journey into motherhood holds a lot of sadness and grief for the relationships in my life that have been changed forever.

As we drove home from the hospital with our little girl, we were scared, happy, and totally in love. But we were, in fact, completely alone. No one was there to hold our baby. No one came to snuggle her while I napped. No one came to let me rest after I had been in labor for 44 hours. No one showed up to help clean the house or do laundry, or ask me what I needed. No one was allowed into our home. Close friends did drop food off for us on our porch as we waved to them from the window.

Our family and closest friends visited our newborn baby from behind a glass door on our porch. I would hold my newborn up for viewing as tears streamed down my face. All I wanted was for my loved ones to hug and hold and kiss my baby and me! I desperately needed their love too! All I wanted was to hand my baby to them and let them love her.

One wonderful thing that my partner and I discovered is that we have a solid relationship. We only had each other to rely on and we did a damn good job! We were there for each other and our baby 100% and we are better together for it. If I didn’t have such an amazing and supportive partner I don’t know what would have happened. Lucy is lucky to have two strong and present parents.

We eventually let our immediate family into our home under strict conditions. It was so nice to see them love and hold my baby, finally! But, there were bumps in that road too. We would waver back and forth on what we were comfortable with and sometimes we didn’t get to see anyone again for a while.  Summer brought some pleasant outdoor gatherings, but I still couldn't hand my baby over to my best friend! It was heartbreaking. We continued to move forward in the only way we knew how- to give our baby as much love as we could.  

This isn’t where the loneliness ends. Almost two years later, I am still crying on my couch alone. Friendships have changed dramatically as everyone has turned inward. I don’t blame them; we did the same thing. But I am a different person now. They missed me becoming a mother. They missed my daughter’s first smile, first laugh, first steps; they missed everything. Most of my friends and family don’t even really know her. Perhaps we don’t know each other anymore. Everyone’s circle got so small because of Covid, and adding a baby to the mix and there aren’t many people left.

I had dreamed of taking my girl to baby and mommy yoga, playdates, breastfeeding groups, and all the places you're supposed to make your “mom friends” and find your support. There was nothing. Everything was shut down. We were on our own. I have almost no mom friends. I am trying hard to find some, but if you weren’t in people’s circles before COVID, it is really challenging to get into them now. People are so shut down, closed off, and I get it. Everyone is trying their best to take care of their family during a pandemic. But, I want in! I want a group of mom friends who know what I am living through, who understand the miracles we witness every day.

Even now, I try to find new friends who have kids Lucy’s age, but again, good luck breaking into the small groups people have formed. I want to watch her play with other kids while I sit with my friends and laugh about all the crazy things toddlers do.

My partner works evenings, and I work days. This is a blessing because one of us is always home with her. However, I’m left with a lot of alone time in a world where I don’t fit in anywhere. Motherhood has been my greatest gift. I honestly love being a mom, but it's a lonely world out there right now. This is what it looks like to have a pandemic baby.

Be Well,

Becky